| what. the. fuck. |
[Jul. 30th, 2005|12:13 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  irate | ] |
| [ | music |
| | A League of Their Own | ] |
Well, after a fucking YEAR Alan emails me to say he's interested in my life again. Forget the fact that the retard says he wass all in love with me, made me miserable, made my boyfriend miserable, FINALLY GOT ME, and then blew me off. Abby no comprende.
And Alan thought that I should lay off the pipe.
I have NO idea what to do now. This brought back all that disappointment and confusion from last summer, when he just kind of stopped being interested. In a relationship. In me, as a person. I can't handle people dropping in and out of my life like that.
I'm going to go cry now. |
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| Abby's cross-country tour |
[Jul. 25th, 2005|11:00 am] |
Damn... it looks like this year I'll be going to more places than just North Carolina. We'll be playing games in Kansas, Florida, Maryland, Massachusettes, California, and Texas. That's, like, almost every American cultural food group represented.
Life's about to get real interesting. I leave camp in a few days, and move out almost immediately to start training. I don't have any idea what this team will be like. There will be eight new players, four of us from out of state, though, so I won't be the only one who doesn't know shit about shit.
I need a car so we can take a beach trip and go run around naked for a weekend. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 22nd, 2005|10:48 pm] |
Camp is almost over. That makes me sad. But in a month I move to Chapel Hill. And that makes me happy.
Time to go make the most of the end of camp. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 28th, 2005|12:00 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  ecstatic | ] |
HOLY SHIT. I got a letter from Chapel Hill today. I guess there was in fact a scout watching me a few weeks ago, because they invited me to come play for them--and gave me a full ride.
I can't believe it. UNC is the best team in the USA. Maybe now that I'll be going to a real school, I can study abroad in Manchester like I wanted to before and try to weasel my way onto Man United... or at least shag a few of the players from Man City.
How do I tell Anna and Mom--and Stoneybrook--about this? |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 27th, 2005|10:54 am] |
Counselor night off. Georgina and other counselors and I smoked a few joints (something I haven't done in a looong time--I stopped when they began random testing on the soccer team last year). Went to a tattoo parlor with the girls and ended up with:
ANOTHER TATTOO!!
I love it.
So much for a Jewish burial.
Where are all the men in my life? How did I lose my dad, and Alan, and Sam, the only three guys who were really important to me? All of my friends used to be male, but those men were like my other half. It's been a long time since I've even seen a penis. At least I have a vibrator. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 22nd, 2005|10:19 pm] |
Well, I have good news and bad news. The good news is camp is still really fun. Georgina and I have been hanging out a lot and are actually getting kind of close. Anna came up to surprise me at camp last weekend. And I get to play every day, so my legs look awesome right now.
But I'm also really disappointed. Georgina, apparently, was watched at some point during the summer, because got word from Santa Clara that they want her to go play soccer there. If she heard from them already, I'm guessing that means that I won't. I know it's stupid to get so attached to an idea that is so far fetched, but I really don't feel like going back to Stoneybrook.
Oh well, whatever. I'm still happier than I've been in a long time. I guess part of it is the medication, but a lot of it is because my life is so different now. I don't feel sad for no reason all the time now. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 15th, 2005|07:58 am] |
WOW. What a week. I love being here.
So guess what? A scout from UNC showed up at camp. I just about shit my pants when I found out. I didn't know anything about them coming, or who they were, but after our second scrimmage (this one was counselors against campers) I heard that they were looking for recruits. I don't know if they were even looking at me, though; they may have just been checking out the kids. But, if I end up hearing from UNC, I think I'd go.
So, the food sucks, but the weather is great, the kids are great, the scouts are great (I hope). Hopefully Anna will get up here soon. I need to email her. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 7th, 2005|04:15 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Ben Lee--catch my disease | ] |
The first day of camp was great. An old soccer friend of mine from camp is also a counselor there. That was a shock... I haven't seen Georgina in years, and suddenly we're the two girls' assistant soccer coaches there, after meeting on that same field a few years ago. Georgina is awesome and we clicked again right away. That girl is a lot like I used to be--funny and self-confident. There are also a few kids I used to babysit for here. They aren't in the soccer program, and I haven't had a chance to talk to them yet but it's still good to know they are around.
Practice today was awesome. The kids were so into it. The ones that end up here are the ones that really love it and want to improve more than anything. They don't even seem to mind doing the drills, which can be kind of a drag sometimes. I hope they keep up that enthusiam when we start busting their balls and when we start preventing them from making out with each other all the time... that's part of what camp is all about, I suppose. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 6th, 2005|08:10 am] |
I'm on the Greyhound up to Vermont. There is no experience quite like taking a Greyhound bus. The guy next to me has the worst smelling feet I've ever had the fortune to come in close proximity to, and I'm an athlete.
Stoneybrook is too overwhelming right now. I need a new life.
I've been thinking about going away for college. The fantasy right now is to go to Chapel Hill or Santa Clara. Those schools have the two best womens soccer teams in the country. Mia Hamm went to UNC. Or maybe I can go find a kids soccer team to coach for longer than just the summer... all i really know is that it's time for me to go. |
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| What if you had a party and nobody came? |
[Jun. 5th, 2005|08:06 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Kelly Clarkson--Breakaway | ] |
Well, that's what happened yesterday. I had a party and almost nobody came. What the hell happened to all of my friendships?
I know the answer to that one already, though... I ignored everyone for a year. I was a bitch to Alan and I lost my best friend. I spent way too much time thinking about Sam, who I haven't seen for months. I'm just now starting to get things back to normal with Anna.
Thank God I leave for camp tomorrow. I am beyond starting to hate it here. I'm sick of my own whining, even. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 1st, 2005|12:24 pm] |
I did it. I talked to Anna.
I'm still not sure everything is totally ok. I'm still pissed, but it's time to get over that. It's not worth losing my sister over. It's been a drag and I'm happy that I'm at least on speaking terms with Anna now, and that neither of us burst into tears today.
One of the most immediate problems with depression is that the sense-of-humor well is dipping dry. WHERE DID IT GO? It's one of the many mysteries that probaly has an answer hidden in my afro-hair. Last week I actually found one of my missing earrings in there.
In other news, school is over--I survived my first year--and I think I need to throw a party. The bottom line is, I'm lonely and it's my fault. I want to try and smooth things out a little in Stoneybrook before I leave for two months. It would be nice to have some of my support system back. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 30th, 2005|11:52 am] |
Ugh. Ugh, ugh, ugh.
I went to a headshrinker today. It's done, I did it, I got evaluated. I've been putting this off for years.
The psych nurse thinks that I have post-traumatic stress disorder (Dad), in addition to an anxiety disorder and depression. She gave me some pills to help calm down my anxiety attacks when I need them, and put me on Zoloft. I started taking it today.
I wish it worked instantly.
I guess I just couldn't stand it anymore... I'm glad I made myself do this before I went to camp for the summer. I don't really want to admit it, but that's one more good thing about being in school this year: I got to keep my health insurance.
I was thinking about Alan today. Alan Gray and Sam Thomas... whatever happened to them? I miss my old friends, even Alan. I feel like such a dumbass. I'm whining about feeling lonely when I cut myself off from everyone, including my own sister. I don't know how to pick up these relationships again. Still, I wish someone actually missed me enough to find out if I'm okay, or if I died being eaten by an Altisan like Bridget Jones. Which would probably kill me twice, me being allergic to dogs. Woof.
That does it; I'm going out for a run. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 27th, 2005|10:46 pm] |
I had a mini-breakdown tonight. I finally had that talk with Mom that's been a long time coming.
I try to stay positive about things. I don't enjoy sitting around being depressed. Nothing about it is fun. I'm so lonely, though. I miss my friends. I shut them all out this last year because I was so sick of everything in my life. I feel down almost all the time... I've spent so many nights unable to fall asleep because I'm so full of anxiety or feeling like there's no point in waking up in the morning.
At least I'll be out of Stoneybrook soon. Being around kids and playing sports will help me keep my mind off things for a while. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 24th, 2005|10:45 am] |
LAYER ONE:
-- Name: Abby Stevenson
-- Birthplace: New York
-- Current Location: Stoneybrook, CT
-- Eye Color: Brown
-- Hair Color: Brown
-- Height: 5'7"
-- Right or Lefty: righty
LAYER TWO:
-- The shoes you wore today: runners
-- Your perfect pizza: four cheese and pesto sauce
-- Goal you'd like to achieve:
LAYER THREE:
-- Your thoughts first waking up: where am I?
-- Your best physical feature: my cheeks
-- Your bedtime: 2 am
-- Your most missed memory: my dad
LAYER FOUR:
-- Pepsi or Coke: Coke
-- McDonald's or Burger King: Burger King
-- Single or group dates: Single
-- Adidas or Nike: Adidas
-- Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: snapple?
-- Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate
-- Cappuccino or coffee: coffee
LAYER FIVE:
-- Smoke: yes
-- Cuss: fuck yes
-- Sing: often
-- Shower every day: at least once a day
-- Have a crush(es): eh, not really.
-- Do you think you want to go to college: I am in college.
-- Like(d) high school: yes
-- Want to get married: okay
-- Believe in yourself: I used to
-- Get motion sickness: No
-- Think you're attractive: usually
-- Think you're a health freak: nah
-- Get along with your parent(s): do I get along with anybody in my family right now?
-- Like thunderstorms: yes
-- Play an instrument: no
LAYER SIX:
In the past month...
-- Drank alcohol: no
-- Smoked: no
-- Done a drug: No
-- Had Sex: no
-- Made Out: no
-- Gone on a date: no
-- Gone to the mall?: Yep
-- Eaten an entire box of Oreos: No.
-- Eaten sushi: no
-- Been on stage: no
-- Been dumped: no
-- Made homemade cookies: No
-- Gone skinny dipping: No
-- Dyed your hair: No
-- Stolen anything: No
LAYER SEVEN:
Ever...
-- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: yes
-- Been caught "doing something": no
-- Been called a tease: yes
-- Gotten beaten up: no
-- Shoplifted: no
-- Changed who you were to fit in: no
LAYER EIGHT:
-- Age you hope to be married: 30?
-- Numbers and Names of Children: 1--Lisa
-- Describe your Dream Wedding: big attendance, beautiful dress, no screaming, fireworks after.
-- How do you want to die: doin' David Beckham
-- Where do you want to go to college: UNC or Santa Clara, to play soccer
-- What do you want to be when you grow up: a soccer player or coach
-- What country would you most like to visit: Israel
LAYER NINE:
In a guy/girl..
-- Best eye color: green
-- Best hair color: Dark
-- Short or long hair: on the long end of short
-- Height: Tall
-- Best weight: muscular
LAYER TEN:
-- Number of people I could trust with my life: 0
-- Number of CDs that I own: 100
-- Number of piercings: three in each of my ears and my navel
-- Number of tattoos: one
-- Number of times: what?
-- Number of scars on my body: i lost count
-- Number of things in my past that I regret: nothing |
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| is this thing on? |
[May. 24th, 2005|09:49 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  tired | ] |
I know it's been a long time since I updated, but I got really sick the last few months and I'm finally starting to mend. High school was nothing compared to my first semester of college. I figure that if I got stuck doing it I might as well try to do the best I can. It wasn't so bad, really. Being so depressed made it a lot easier to throw myself into work because I needed that distraction. This semester I took a soccer class, too, so I got to play with a real team again. Sort of. Stoneybrook U still isn't all that satisfying.
Somewhere between being on the soccer team and trying to keep good grades up in my classes my body kind of broke down. During practice one day in February, I had a really bad asthma attack and ended up in the hospital. They ran all kinds of tests and found out I had pneumonia. Like allergies and asthma aren't bad enough.
So, I had to quit soccer. That was hard. I hate having to give up something that I love so much. The good news is I will be a counselor at a soccer camp this summer--it's the one I used to go to as a kid. By next spring I should be able to play again.
I had a crazy thought the other day... I may try out for the volleyball team this fall. I've never played on a team, but I know I can do it. I miss sports so much I don't think I can wait until August to start training again.
Anna is back from her first year at Yale now. I haven't really seen her since I have been holed up in my room studying for finals. I don't know what to do about her. I'm still really upset about what happened, but really... Stoneybrook U wasn't as bad as I thought. I actually had a scout come to watch me play once, so that was worth something. |
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